Bizarre People Crack Me Up

Having kids--It’s a weird thing. But not in the sense that you are thinking.

I am thinking more about the weird behaviors of those surrounding the people about to have children.

I have noticed several things about pregnant women.

#1 People think that your personal space no longer is yours. They feel as if they can come up to you at any point and start rubbing your stomach. This is extremely awkward.

Sometimes when I see people being awkward? I like to make the situation even more awkward.

For example: I work with a woman who is pregnant right now. So…people come up to her all the time to rub her stomach. Especially working at a school, many of the kids feel like they can touch you whenever they want.

Therefore, when a 15 year old 8th grader walked up to my teacher-pregnant-friend and rubbed her stomach? I decided I was going to rub the 15 year olds stomach. Without her permission.

She hasn’t rubbed my pregnant friend’s stomach again. :)

(Disclaimer: I do have a good relationship with this kid, and so it wasn’t *as* awkward as it could’ve been. But it DID get my point across!)

Anyway.

Back to my list:

#2 People think that they should give you weird unsolicited advice.

My guess is? The pregnant person would ask for your advice if they wanted it.

And my personal favorite…

#3 People decide to tell pregnant women their HORROR birth stories. Like: “Do you know that when I was in labor, I was in labor for 57 days and at the end I birthed a unicorn zombie child who looked like a troll??”

Pregnant Lady: “Uhhh…Ok?”

So, you might be wondering why I am talking about all of this ‘other-people-weird-behavior-when-someone-is-having-kids’ topic.

Because people are just as weird to you when you are adopting.

Case in point:

The other day I was sharing with someone that my husband and I really felt called to adopt and that we were moving forward with the process.

Do you know their response?

“Oh my goodness! Are you SURE you want to do that? I had a friend who adopted, and when their kids grew up, they MURDERED their adopted parents!!”

How am I supposed to respond to that?

“Um. Thanks? I’m pretty sure that only happens to about 0.0000037% if the adopted population. But thanks for the positive and uplifting story??”

People are bizarre.

For real.

Insanity.

My mom and sister came into town to visit us this past weekend.

As you know, I own two dogs. The yellow one and the black one. My black dog is extremely energetic, while the yellow one mostly lays around in a lazy haze all the time.

My sister also owns two dogs. Her dogs are pretty similar to mine. The first is a golden retriever. Which, it were even possible, is even lazier than my yellow dog.

But also? She owns a golden doodle. I think it would be calmly understated to say that the dog acts like it is jacked up on methamphetamines all the time.

Let me give you an example of how our weekends go when the dog is around.
(P.S. Her dog’s name is Dolce. And my yellow, calm dog’s name is Nala. Keep that in mind.
P.S.S. Dolce is a large male who is the most un-masculine dog ever. His bark and cry is about 30 decibels higher than the sound of nails on a chalkboard)

Me: Hey Sarah! I’m so glad you’re here! Welcome to our… DOLCE! No! Down! Get Down!

Dolce: Cry cry cry cry cry .

Me: How was your trip?

Sarah: Oh, it was good. DOLCE! Stop! Come here!

Dolce: Cry cry cry cry cry.

Me: How long did it take you? DOLCE! Stop licking Nala’s butthole!

Dolce: Cry cry cry cry cry. (Licks Nala’s butthole some more.)

Sarah: It took about 3 hours.

Me: Oh, good. Are you hungry? DOLCE! Stop licking Nala’s hoojoo (aka my word for her private area)

Dolce: Cry cry cry cry cry. (Comes over and jumps up on me because I told him “no”)

Sarah: Yes, I could eat. DOLCE. Seriously, dog. Stop.

Dolce: Cry cry cry cry cry. (Jump on Sarah because she told him ‘no’.)

Meanwhile, the other dogs lay around calmly, acting like nothing is going on. We all settle into catching up. However, while my sister, mom, and husband can all ignore Dolce’s crazy actions, somehow I am unable to block him out.

So here is the rest of the evening:

Sarah: How is your job?

Me: Oh it’s good. DOLCE! If you don’t stop licking my dog’s butt I am going to kill you!

Dolce: Cry cry cry cry cry.

Sarah: Here, I’ll hold him over here so he will stop crying.

Dolce: Cry cry cry cry cry (His thoughts: if only I could get back over to Nala to lick her butt, life would be grand)

Me: How’s your job? DOLCE! Stop crying!

Sarah: Good.

Dolce: Cry cry cry cry cry.

Me: Why don’t you get this dumb dog neutered? Maybe then he would stop being so obsessed with Nala!

Dolce: Cry cry cry cry cry

Sarah: Because I think he acts like that because he has some dog form of obsessive compulsive disorder or possibly ADHD.

Dolce: Cry cry cry cry cry

Me: Well, you need to get him some Ritalin!

Dolce: Cry cry cry cry cry cry (Yes! I escaped! First item of business? Licking Nala’s butthole! Oh no, she raised her teeth at me! What does this mean? It must means she likes it! I am going to lick her butt again! Oh no! She attacked me? What does this mean? It must mean she loves me! I love you too Nala! Let me lick your ear!)

Me: DOLCE! STOP LICKING NALA!

Dolce: Cry cry cry cry cry

You might be thinking to yourself: Why do they continue to keep such an insane dog?

Well, he is adorable. And sweet. And I guess that trumps that fact that he is a total moron.




See? All four dogs. Dolce is the one in the sweatshirt. It supposedly helps calm him down. I am convinced that nothing short of a brain transplant will do such a thing.

I'm Finally Back!

Annndddd….rigghhhhhttt. So, HEY! How are you? I’m just grand. I am going to pretend like I haven’t just disappeared off the map for OVER A YEAR.

Wow. I didn’t realize I was that bad.

OOPS.

Anyhoo!

You are probably wondering if I died.

I did not.

You might’ve wondered if I contracted a creepy disease.

I did not.

Or…you might’ve wondered if graduate school finally killed me.

It did. But eventually, I guess I came back to life at some point.

So…where do I start?

I can’t believe I have neglected my poor little blog for so long.

On the upside? I logged into my account today and realized I had written 70 posts before I disappeared. That impressed me a little bit.

Also? I started to read some of my old posts. And cracked myself up. So that’s always positive. At least I make myself laugh, even if no one else laughs along with me. :)

So, what have I been up to you might ask?

Well, here’s a quick rundown of my past year:

1. I finished graduate school! WAHOOOO!! That was probably the most difficult time of my whole entire life, and we will just leave it at that because, hello, this is not a depressing blog.

2. I developed an unhealthy obsession with drinking lattes after my husband bought me an espresso machine for Christmas.

3. I noticed weird spots on my teeth from drinking so many lattes. So, I whitened my teeth back to their normal state with those handy dandy Crest Whitestrips. And…then had to stop drinking my lattes. My vanity won out over my desire to drink lattes. BOO.

4. I got a new job with my new education! Now I work in a low income, high needs school with kindergarten through 8th grade kids. And I love them.

5. Brandon and I are working on writing a book together! “WHAT?”, you might say. I know, it’s crazy. We’ll just pretend that that is the reason I took such a freakishly long haitus from this blog.

6. Brandon and I are in the process of adopting. Another: “WAHOO!”

7. I had to buy “old people shoes” because my back started to hurt from standing up all day. Who am I these days? I have chosen hideous style so I could have comfortability. I have officially crossed over into Lameville.

So see…not everything was doom and gloom around here. Despite my intense burn-out phase after grad school and resulting “I hate school and work” phase, everything else has been good.

My husband is still outrageously handsome and awesome.

I still think I am hilarious and crack myself up.

I continue to believe my two dogs are my children.

And…despite my long break, I still do want to blog.

So people! Welcome me back! Because the FUNNNNN has ARRRRIVVVVEDDDDD . Again. (*clears throat*)

Meh.

I am quite possibly the world’s worst blogger.

When I started this blog, I had grand dreams of magical posts I would make all the time.

Yea…

Those dreams flew out the window.

I apparently was extremely delusional this last summer (when I started this thing).

I think I had forgotten temporarily how crazy busy the semesters are in grad school.

And then I started this year, and clearly the blog posts have been…sparse.

Lo siento, people. Lo siento.

Anyway. I think once I graduate (In only a mere 12 weeks! That’s right, 12 WEEKS and I will be a masters graduate. PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!) , I will be better at posting.

I will probably start Manna Monday up again, and I will definitely begin telling all the wonderfully crazy stories of my life too.

In the meantime, I guess you will have to just be patient with me and my sparseness, as I don’t really see me getting motivation to write more anytime soon.

Does this motivate you to keep reading my blog? Probably not.

Man, maybe I should lie to you.

PEOPLE! I AM GOING TO WRITE EVERY DAY! ITS GOING TO BE GREAT!

Don’t believe it? Well, crap. Neither do I.

I do know that in a week or so, I will have a quite entertaining story for you.

So stay tuned!

More entertainment is coming your way...

In Sickness and In Health

Sickness.

Ahhh, what a glorious thing.

I got back from a 2 week vacation to be welcomed home to a disgusting flu. Was this not exactly why my last post talked about wearing a SARS mask? Exactly.

I had a fever for 3 straight days, and have been lying in bed wasting away for the past 6 days with a deathly and racking cough. YAY! PARTY AT MY HOUSE!

I am under no delusions that I do not look like a homeless and dying rat at this point.

I really do feel bad for my poor husband.

For the past 6 days, he has been welcomed to the overwhelming stank of sickness mixed with greasy hair and overall grossness.

Now if he isn’t attracted to me at this point, I just cannot understand what is problem is!

Come on, people.

Dark circles? Greasy hair? Stank of 11 horses? The makings of a beauty queen.

I am really quite appealing.

Anyway.

I had some time to think in my sickened state.

My husband has been working so hard lately. He hasn’t been able to come home until around 7:30pm, or 8:00pm.

Now, my husband is a teacher. That means his school dismisses at 4:00pm and he has been working 12-13 hour days.

So why the late hours?

Well, afterschool he has graciously decided to tutor several of the students who are falling behind.

Why? Because he’s amazing. And also there’s a cash bonus…that always helps:O)

But also, the state’s annual testing of the kids is coming up soon too.

That means he has to prepare additional lesson plans to the ones he is already writing.

This makes for very long evenings, and a very tired husband.

As I have been sick, I have really been unable to put one foot in front of the other so even though he has had late evenings, I haven’t been much of a support.

As soon as my husband got home yesterday, he literally collapsed on the couch and didn’t move for hours.

So I decided to kick my own rear into gear. I got my freaking sick, coughing, stanky butt up and decided I was going to be a servant like Christ was.

I knew that Brandon wouldn’t cook anything because he’s too tired, so I whipped up a meal.

I may have coughed all over it, but at least he had something to eat!!

I encourage all of you to do the same. Do something servant-like for your spouse today.

It won’t necessarily be easy, but that is why it is called ‘service’.

Service requires you to leave ‘you’ out of the picture, and focus totally on someone else.

And so for me? I did that yesterday. I haven’t quite accomplished the same feats today…but here’s to hoping I will…

Yesterday, I took my vows seriously to love in sickness and in health.

Because who ever said that just because you were the sick one didn’t mean you didn’t have to continue to truly sacrificially love the other person?

The SARS Lady

So we are traveling to Florida for Christmas this year.

My sister lives in Florida with her husband and has lived there for 5 years.

However, for the past 5 years, she has traveled to Ohio (and us as well) to visit my mom.

Well this year she proclaimed that we needed to come to her home, instead.

We agreed that possibly it has been unfair up until this point.

So what is the point of this story (besides just to ramble), you ask?

Well, we are flying.

Now generally, I am not afraid of flights.

Despite the crashes you hear in the news, I am not terrified that my plane is going to get highjacked.

Nor do I think it is going to explode in the air and crash to the earth.

I also don’t think it is going to have a failed engine and again crash to the earth.

Do you know what my fear is?

Getting sick.

I have mentioned my germaphobia before.

If you are an avid reader, you know this.

If you are not? You suck. And also? You are way behind on my germaphobic ways.

ANYWAY.

Planes severely gross me out.

I mean severely.

You have to sit in these nasty fabric seats where thousands have gone before.

Don’t tell me someone hasn’t splashed their vomit onto the seat before as they puked from being motion sick.

And I guarantee someone has sneezed lots of boogers and disgusting germs all over them too.

I can also guarantee that the people who clean the planes are not steam cleaning the seats.

So where does that leave us?

In germ heaven.

Not only that, but you are stuck in a plane with nasty sick people.

They are all coughy and sneezy, and you are breathing in all their recycled air.

Blech.

Make me barf.

The worst part?

My theory of the plane being a septic system of germs is totally confirmed every time I travel.

Why?

Because every. single. time., I get sick.

Every time, people.

So I casually mention this fact to Brandon.

This is then followed by my solution: I will simply wear a germ mask on the plane!

Genius, people! Genius!

Brandon’s response?

“You CANNOT do that, Elizabeth! People are going to think you have SARS!”

He goes on to explain that there is no way on earth he is going to be seen with the SARS lady and that if I choose to wear this mask, he is going to change his seat.

I wish he were kidding…

Sigh.

What am I supposed to do people??

I have no other choice!

I can either wear mask and have people running, screaming, and crying from the plane because they think I have SARS…

Or, I can spend Christmas sick.

I guess you might hear some running, screaming, and crying because I am SOOO wearing that mask.

I so am, people.

I am NOT going to spend Christmas sick.

Manna Monday

Hello there people out there in blog world.

I hope you all had a fantabulous Thanksgiving filled with, well, thanks.

Duh.

Ours was wonderful as we traveled to my home city to visit my amazing mother…love that woman.

Anyhoo.

Over break Brandon mentioned to me that I have been a slackerface (yep, he SOOO used that term [those of you who know Brandon know I am lying. A lot. He would never use that term]) with this blog. He then declared that he would write some things on the days that I slack off.

I agreed.

He was shocked. But I was serious. He is a great writer who is insightful, hilarious, and all around awesome.

So blog people?

If you notice I am missing and all of a sudden my husband shows up in my place? You’ll know why. He is picking up my slack for me.

Anyway.

Welcome back to another edition of Manna Monday.

It’s been awhile.

Life has a way of taking me away from leisurely activities (such as blogging), so even though I wanted to be writing? Not possible.

So here I am finally again on a Manna Monday.

And what is today’s topic?

Genuine fruit.

When I have longer times to actually think instead of just function like a robot, then I really get a good look at myself.

This break I was able to see several areas of my life that I am really ashamed of.

Sometimes I pass of my bluntness as ‘OK’ because afterall, I am being honest, right?

But is that really right?

And sometimes I think that it is ‘OK’ to be impatient because afterall, I have very important things to do.

But this (among many other things) are disheartening to me.

Why?

Because it is bad fruit. Matthew chapter 7 discusses the tree.

When you look at the trunk of an apple tree without apples on it, would you know it was an apple tree?

How about a pear tree. Would you know it was a pear tree if there were no pears on it?

I know I wouldn’t.

It is the fruit that grows on the tree that proclaims what type of tree it is.

In fact, once the fruit grows, it is painfully obvious what you are looking at.

Our own lives are just like that.

The ‘fruit’ we bear, or the actions that we portray to others are our fruit.

When we have the ‘fruits’ of the Spirit, such as patience and gentleness, kindness and self control, we are showing the God’s Spirit lives in us.

It is living so vibrantly inside that we are growing that fruit and showing it to the world.

But when we let bitterness, selfishness, anger, unkindness, etc. fester inside us, it is like a disease.

Instead of good fruit, rotten fruit will start to grow.

We will no longer be the juicy, ripe fruit that people want.

We will be the fruit that will make them sick if they have it.

If you put a rotten piece of fruit on top of a good piece of fruit, what will eventually happen?

The mold that is on the bad fruit will pass over to the good fruit and make it bad too.


The bad fruit we bear will start to rot those around us if we aren’t careful and we will affect their Spiritual life as well.

Instead, I want to be that person that is so full of the Spirit, my good fruit is alive and well and attracts those around me to it.

They will want to know how they can have what I have.

They will want to know Christ.





**Looking for other Manna Monday posts? Click the 'manna monday' link right below this post.**

Newlyweds??

In the beginning of this week Brandon and I decided to go to some church event.

It was a chili cook off and we went to mingle with people, make some new friends, and eat some delicious chili.

Turns out there really wasn’t that much delicious chili there. There were 6 pots, and only 1 of those pots was actually delicious.

But we sure did have a fun time cracking up as one of us would cough unceasingly after we tried one pot that had so much spice in it we couldn’t breathe.

And then another pot that was so sweet it could’ve been candy.

And then one more pot that was so gross I couldn’t even swallow the bite.

In the meantime, there were a few people sitting around us, apparently watching us.

One guy asked: “How long have you guys been married?”

I replied: “3 years, but we’ve been together for 7 years.”

He said: “Oh. Wow. I really thought you guys were newlyweds. Wow. You really act like newlyweds.”

And it really got me thinking.

Brandon and I never really focus on the fact that we still act like newlyweds…but we do.

We are all lovey and goofy with each other.

We make each other laugh, and smile, and make each other genuinely happy.

And it just reminded me that I really do plan on acting like this with him the rest of my life.

I want to be 80 and still having people thinking we act like newlyweds.

Why?

Because I love my husband.

I will always love my husband.

He will always be the man who was created just for me, and I will always be grateful to God for that perfect gift.

And no, that is not to say that we are perfect. We have our annoyances with one another just like any other couple.

But mostly?

We just have fun; enjoy being married; and love each other with an everlasting love.

So Brandon, I love you. Will you be my newlywed husband for forever????:):):)

Inside Skin and Other Things

I have been somewhat M.I.A.

Why?

Well, life has gotten super stressful around here.

Wait a minute, isn’t life always stressful over here?

Yes. Buttttt, recently it has been even more stressful. So therefore I have been M.I.A.

Good news for you is that while I’ve been gone, I’ve been collecting funny quotes from kids that I know.

So in a grand re-entrance into the blog world after a two week absence, here they are…


Quote 1:

Me talking to J (kid I babysit) while I am doing dishes, hoping he will want to join me in doing dishes too: “Hey J, do you want a job?”

J: No, not really.

Me: Come on, you know you want a job.

J: No, because I’m not ready to go to work. I’m still in school for crying out loud!




Quote 2:

Background---I am being goofy about how great I am…


Me: You know J, I am really the best babysitter ever. I help you put away your laundry, I cook you dinner, I help you clean your room. Just admit it, I am an amazing babysitter!

J: Ok, yea, you’re cool.

Me: Exactly! I mean, what would people DO without a babysitter??

J: They would probably cry.



Apparently all the children out there who don’t have babysitters are weeping uncontrollably as we speak



Quote 3:

Background---I am making a bagel and cream cheese for a snack for myself.

J: Can I have a bagel too?

Me: Sure. Come and make it.

J: What?? Aren’t you going to make it?

Me: No. You can make your own. You need to be more independent.

J: “I cant believe this! I thought I had maid service around here!”


He’ s only nine! How does he think of these things??




Quote 4:

Me: J, did you know that I lived in Spain my senior year of college?

J: NO! Cool!

Me: Yea, and in Spain they use the words Tio and Tia (literally translating to aunt and uncle) to refer to their friends. It roughly is like calling someone “pal” or “dude” here in the U.S.

J: Oh man! I imagine myself one day on Broadway walking down the street saying: “Hi Tio, Hi Tia!”

Me: Ok… what?? So random, J! So random. But I am glad you are going to be on Broadway. I like your aspirations…




Quote 5:

(This is from a kid that Brandon teaches at school)

Kid: Mr. B, I have a cut, can I go to the nurse?

Brandon: Let me come see the cut….(kid shows cut) Umm, no. It doesn’t even look that bad.

Kid: But Mr. B, I really need to go get a Bandaid.

Brandon: And like I said, no you can’t go.

Kid (whiny and dramatic): But Mr. B, YOU CAN SEE MY ‘INSIDE SKIN’!!!


I think 'inside skin' is a pretty technical term. Science teachers everywhere should start using it.




Quote 6: (From another kid in Brandon’s class)

Background: Brandon runs into one of his kids at the grocery store…


Kid: Hey, Mr. B!

Brandon: Hey [kid]!

Kid: Wow Mr. B, you look A LOT uglier without your teacher clothes on.

Brandon: Wow, thanks for the compliment…




Quote 7: (From a kid I work with at school)

Kid: You know, I have to take the running test tomorrow.

Me: Oh yea?

Kid: Yea, I’m like the fastest in the class because I’m so little.

Me: Yea, I can see that. You probably only have like 3% body fat.

Kid: What does that mean?

(I go on to explain how there are minimum amounts of body fat that each person has to have to survive. I then explain how women have more fat, and one of the reasons is that they bear children and their extra fat helps keep the baby warm).

Kid: Oh yea! My mom has TONS of fat on her belly! I must’ve been soo warm!

Me:…Ummm (thinking, oh crap!!)….ummm…yea, you can’t really say that about your mom.

Kid: But…but you just said that it was a good thing to have the extra fat!

Me: Yea, but you just can’t say that. Women are sensitive about their weight.

Kid: ?????



Hope you enjoyed those and they brought a smile to your day!

Manna Monday

Interesting, isn’t it?

That the things that seem to concern the heart of God the most are some of the most neglected by the church.

What do I mean?

Well, the widows, orphans, and foreigners.

In fact, many times throughout Scripture these three groups are targeted as specifically venerable and groups that move the heart of God.

Want some examples?:

Zechariah 7:10 “Do not oppress widows, orphans, foreigners, and the poor. And do not scheme against each other.” (New Living Translation)

James 1:7 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. (New International Version)

Isaiah 1:17 learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow (New International Version)

Tell me, when was the last time your church had a heart for foster children? Are they not the ‘orphans’ of America? What about homeless children who are right down the road from you?

Here in the U.S alone there are 1 million homeless children. Beyond that, there are seven hundred thousand children in foster care Does your church even care?

And lets think about the widows. Often, this translates to the elderly population. How much respect is given to elderly? Are they revered, or are they treated as if they are ‘slower’ and as if they haven’t lived at least twice as many years as you have??

Immigrants? What about them? Who in your church is reaching out to these individuals? Who is helping them when care is not available?

My point is, as the body of Christ, we really are lacking in the areas that God has called specific attention to over and over in the Bible.

Can I share with you why I feel that He has called us to minister specifically to these?

Because they are some of the most vulnerable among us.

Orphans are without parents to care for them and often have unpredictable lives.

Widows have lost their spouse who was most likely a financial, emotional, physical, and relational support for them.

Immigrants are in a foreign land with strange customs and possible language barriers. Often, they are alone and trying to make their way without help.

And is the Lord not concerned with the weak and weary?

I believe He is.

I was speaking with my mother the other day and she was saying that she heard from a pastor in a sermon a certain statistic she wanted to pass along.

The statistic stated the following: “If every church across the U.S. just had ONE family in the each church adopt ONE child, that would take care of every single child in need of adoption today.”

I looked it up, and he appears to be correct. According to the most recent statistics (taken in 2009), 700,000 were in foster care. Of those, 115,000 are currently awaiting adoption through foster care (US Dept of Health and Human Services, 2010).

The Hartford Institute for Religion Research (2006) states that there are approximately 322,000 Christian churches in the U.S.
Therefore, there are more than enough churches to adopt.

And yet how many are pushing for this?

How many are fighting for the rights of orphans, widows, and immigrants?

I know many are.

But also, many aren’t.

How will this change?

If we, the body of Christ, start to push for congregations that look much closer to the heart of God than they do.

My specific church does a great job with ministering to immigrants, however we are lacking in our efforts for widows and orphans.

What about yours?

Do some research, and see what is being done.

And beyond this, what are YOU doing?

Are you reaching out to these vulnerable populations?

Just something to think about

The church would be a lot more welcoming if it looked more like Christ and less like people...



**Looking for other Manna Monday posts? Click the Manna Monday link at the bottom of this post.**