Saturday, October 30, 2010

The Gym Experience

Picture a woman going to the gym.

Before she goes, she realizes she must have an outfit to wear!

Preferably, it should be matching and really cute.

She swooshes her hair up into a nice ponytail, and dabs on a bit of mascara and lipgloss.

Afterall, she is going to workout, she must look presentable, people!

She arrives, and gets on the elliptical.

Obviously, she cannot work out too hard. She wouldn’t want to get sweaty!

She knows that she can call up her good friend and chat it up on the cell phone while she works out.

Isn’t working out made for multi-tasking??

At the end of her 30 minute workout, she only has a slight flush to her cheeks and she still looks as wonderful as when she walked in.

Now? I want you to picture the exact opposite.


That opposite? Is me.

Sometimes I am floored by the differences between myself and my fellow gym going ladies.

They appear to be totally put together.

Me? Not so much.

Now that you have that woman in mind, I will describe myself.

Picture me, a half man-beast woman.

Why half man-beast?

Well, let me list the ways:

1. I am sweaty. I sweat everywhere. My face sweats. My armpits sweat. My legs sweat. My back sweats. My butt sweats. So basically, I hope youre getting the picture: mucho sweat is coming from Elizabeth. My clothing is soaked and mostly it looks like I peed on myself. Coolio.

2. I am really muscular. As such, I cannot get a workout from being all ‘floofy’ on the workout equipment. If I am going, I am going to work harder than the beefy man who is right next to me. Oh yes I CAN keep up with you, mister.

3. I am NOT about to arrive in anything that resembles something that matches. Workout outfits? Yea…sooo not going to happen.

4. I MIGHT put on a clean shirt. Might. And that same shirt may or may not have a hole in the armpit. Which I MIGHT have been too lazy to actually sew, so it is held precariously together by a series of strategically placed safety pins. MAYBE.

5. Makeup will not be worn while I am at the gym. People! I am there to work out! I am not at a beauty contest. Which of course ensures that I will probably be the woman walking around looking haggard. Which is why if you show up at my gym, you might find people running and screaming in terror as I walk by.

6. At the end of a workout? I reek. Serious reekage. I do not smell like flowers, or peaches, or anything resembling anything feminine. At all.

7. And to top it all off, I am so focused on my workout that if you look at me? I will probably be staring back at you with an angry look on my face. Take note that I am not actually angry, but I am just intense. So I probably scare small children. So what??

So next time you go to the gym and you see one of these ladies

Just remember, I am not one of them. Instead, if you want a good laugh, you can instead imagine me being just like this.

Photo Credit

A whole bunch of sweat. Sexy, right?? I know. My husband is a lucky man.