Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Flair for the Dramatic

I don’t know if you’ve gathered this or not yet, but I can have a bit of a flair for the dramatic.

Sometimes, when things change, I can be all ZOMGoodness!, I’M DYING!



This pretty much carries over into every aspect of my life. I can’t figure out if I am dramatic because it adds a certain degree of spiciness to life, or if I am somehow hardwired to catastrophize every situation.

I will let you know once I figure this trash out.

Back to the subject at hand.

I shared the other day that we are adopting (Or rather, opening ourselves up to adoption, and the timing will be left up to the Lord).


As time creeps onward, my dramatic self rears its head.

My mind starts to go crazy:

“What if I never get another moment alone to myself?”

“What if I can’t ever go out to eat again?”

“What if I can’t ever buy myself something again?”

So…I have been justifying doing crazy actions (Does this surprise you? It should not.)

For example:

I bought an entire bag of Cadbury mini easter eggs and ate them by myself over the course of two days. Why? I figured I would never be able to eat something alone ever again. So, classically, I went overboard and ate them all. This makes sense to a rational person, I am sure.

I bought myself two new pairs of pants. Why? I just knew I could never buy myself clothes again because I would buy all the clothes for the kids (This also is rational. Clearly.)

I stayed up until 2:00am. Why? I knew I would have to go to bed early with the kids, so my rebellious self rose up inside me and told me stay up. Did I regret this decision? Yes. I was a zombie the next day at work. And a grouch, too.

Now, while I recognize that I will have to do some cut-backs on my spending, it is not as melodramatic as my crazy brain convinces me it will be.

However, apparently, my husband has caught the same “Oh-my-gosh-we’re-going-to-be-parents-soon” bug too, because he just came home with matching iPhones for us. He said it was necessary as we wouldn’t be able to make any more big purchases after this time.

So somehow I am going to have to reign both of us in. But until I figure out how to do that, I will be here. With my Cadbury eggs. Hoarding them to myself. While calling someone on my new iPhone.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Bizarre People Crack Me Up

Having kids--It’s a weird thing. But not in the sense that you are thinking.

I am thinking more about the weird behaviors of those surrounding the people about to have children.

I have noticed several things about pregnant women.

#1 People think that your personal space no longer is yours. They feel as if they can come up to you at any point and start rubbing your stomach. This is extremely awkward.

Sometimes when I see people being awkward? I like to make the situation even more awkward.

For example: I work with a woman who is pregnant right now. So…people come up to her all the time to rub her stomach. Especially working at a school, many of the kids feel like they can touch you whenever they want.

Therefore, when a 15 year old 8th grader walked up to my teacher-pregnant-friend and rubbed her stomach? I decided I was going to rub the 15 year olds stomach. Without her permission.

She hasn’t rubbed my pregnant friend’s stomach again. :)

(Disclaimer: I do have a good relationship with this kid, and so it wasn’t *as* awkward as it could’ve been. But it DID get my point across!)


Back to my list:

#2 People think that they should give you weird unsolicited advice.

My guess is? The pregnant person would ask for your advice if they wanted it.

And my personal favorite…

#3 People decide to tell pregnant women their HORROR birth stories. Like: “Do you know that when I was in labor, I was in labor for 57 days and at the end I birthed a unicorn zombie child who looked like a troll??”

Pregnant Lady: “Uhhh…Ok?”

So, you might be wondering why I am talking about all of this ‘other-people-weird-behavior-when-someone-is-having-kids’ topic.

Because people are just as weird to you when you are adopting.

Case in point:

The other day I was sharing with someone that my husband and I really felt called to adopt and that we were moving forward with the process.

Do you know their response?

“Oh my goodness! Are you SURE you want to do that? I had a friend who adopted, and when their kids grew up, they MURDERED their adopted parents!!”

How am I supposed to respond to that?

“Um. Thanks? I’m pretty sure that only happens to about 0.0000037% if the adopted population. But thanks for the positive and uplifting story??”

People are bizarre.

For real.

Monday, March 19, 2012


My mom and sister came into town to visit us this past weekend.

As you know, I own two dogs. The yellow one and the black one. My black dog is extremely energetic, while the yellow one mostly lays around in a lazy haze all the time.

My sister also owns two dogs. Her dogs are pretty similar to mine. The first is a golden retriever. Which, it were even possible, is even lazier than my yellow dog.

But also? She owns a golden doodle. I think it would be calmly understated to say that the dog acts like it is jacked up on methamphetamines all the time.

Let me give you an example of how our weekends go when the dog is around.
(P.S. Her dog’s name is Dolce. And my yellow, calm dog’s name is Nala. Keep that in mind.
P.S.S. Dolce is a large male who is the most un-masculine dog ever. His bark and cry is about 30 decibels higher than the sound of nails on a chalkboard)

Me: Hey Sarah! I’m so glad you’re here! Welcome to our… DOLCE! No! Down! Get Down!

Dolce: Cry cry cry cry cry .

Me: How was your trip?

Sarah: Oh, it was good. DOLCE! Stop! Come here!

Dolce: Cry cry cry cry cry.

Me: How long did it take you? DOLCE! Stop licking Nala’s butthole!

Dolce: Cry cry cry cry cry. (Licks Nala’s butthole some more.)

Sarah: It took about 3 hours.

Me: Oh, good. Are you hungry? DOLCE! Stop licking Nala’s hoojoo (aka my word for her private area)

Dolce: Cry cry cry cry cry. (Comes over and jumps up on me because I told him “no”)

Sarah: Yes, I could eat. DOLCE. Seriously, dog. Stop.

Dolce: Cry cry cry cry cry. (Jump on Sarah because she told him ‘no’.)

Meanwhile, the other dogs lay around calmly, acting like nothing is going on. We all settle into catching up. However, while my sister, mom, and husband can all ignore Dolce’s crazy actions, somehow I am unable to block him out.

So here is the rest of the evening:

Sarah: How is your job?

Me: Oh it’s good. DOLCE! If you don’t stop licking my dog’s butt I am going to kill you!

Dolce: Cry cry cry cry cry.

Sarah: Here, I’ll hold him over here so he will stop crying.

Dolce: Cry cry cry cry cry (His thoughts: if only I could get back over to Nala to lick her butt, life would be grand)

Me: How’s your job? DOLCE! Stop crying!

Sarah: Good.

Dolce: Cry cry cry cry cry.

Me: Why don’t you get this dumb dog neutered? Maybe then he would stop being so obsessed with Nala!

Dolce: Cry cry cry cry cry

Sarah: Because I think he acts like that because he has some dog form of obsessive compulsive disorder or possibly ADHD.

Dolce: Cry cry cry cry cry

Me: Well, you need to get him some Ritalin!

Dolce: Cry cry cry cry cry cry (Yes! I escaped! First item of business? Licking Nala’s butthole! Oh no, she raised her teeth at me! What does this mean? It must means she likes it! I am going to lick her butt again! Oh no! She attacked me? What does this mean? It must mean she loves me! I love you too Nala! Let me lick your ear!)


Dolce: Cry cry cry cry cry

You might be thinking to yourself: Why do they continue to keep such an insane dog?

Well, he is adorable. And sweet. And I guess that trumps that fact that he is a total moron.

See? All four dogs. Dolce is the one in the sweatshirt. It supposedly helps calm him down. I am convinced that nothing short of a brain transplant will do such a thing.

Monday, March 12, 2012

I'm Finally Back!

Annndddd….rigghhhhhttt. So, HEY! How are you? I’m just grand. I am going to pretend like I haven’t just disappeared off the map for OVER A YEAR.

Wow. I didn’t realize I was that bad.



You are probably wondering if I died.

I did not.

You might’ve wondered if I contracted a creepy disease.

I did not.

Or…you might’ve wondered if graduate school finally killed me.

It did. But eventually, I guess I came back to life at some point.

So…where do I start?

I can’t believe I have neglected my poor little blog for so long.

On the upside? I logged into my account today and realized I had written 70 posts before I disappeared. That impressed me a little bit.

Also? I started to read some of my old posts. And cracked myself up. So that’s always positive. At least I make myself laugh, even if no one else laughs along with me. :)

So, what have I been up to you might ask?

Well, here’s a quick rundown of my past year:

1. I finished graduate school! WAHOOOO!! That was probably the most difficult time of my whole entire life, and we will just leave it at that because, hello, this is not a depressing blog.

2. I developed an unhealthy obsession with drinking lattes after my husband bought me an espresso machine for Christmas.

3. I noticed weird spots on my teeth from drinking so many lattes. So, I whitened my teeth back to their normal state with those handy dandy Crest Whitestrips. And…then had to stop drinking my lattes. My vanity won out over my desire to drink lattes. BOO.

4. I got a new job with my new education! Now I work in a low income, high needs school with kindergarten through 8th grade kids. And I love them.

5. Brandon and I are working on writing a book together! “WHAT?”, you might say. I know, it’s crazy. We’ll just pretend that that is the reason I took such a freakishly long haitus from this blog.

6. Brandon and I are in the process of adopting. Another: “WAHOO!”

7. I had to buy “old people shoes” because my back started to hurt from standing up all day. Who am I these days? I have chosen hideous style so I could have comfortability. I have officially crossed over into Lameville.

So see…not everything was doom and gloom around here. Despite my intense burn-out phase after grad school and resulting “I hate school and work” phase, everything else has been good.

My husband is still outrageously handsome and awesome.

I still think I am hilarious and crack myself up.

I continue to believe my two dogs are my children.

And…despite my long break, I still do want to blog.

So people! Welcome me back! Because the FUNNNNN has ARRRRIVVVVEDDDDD . Again. (*clears throat*)