It is summer.
Yesterday? It was 95 degrees. The day before that? It was 100 degrees.
And I live in the Midwest, people. Where the humidity is so thick you walk outside and immediately have a mist covering your skin. AWESOME. LOVE IT.
All this heat has me looonnnggginnngggg for some cooler weather. I think some nice crisp snow would be nice right now….
Speaking of snow, I remember this one time, my sister Sarah and I went skiing in Michigan.
This was my first trip skiing outside of the great hills of Ohio, where I grew up (I know! You must be thinking: “MAN! I Have GOT to make it to Ohio to go skiing….I’ve heard they have some great slopes.”)
Needless to say, going to Michigan was going to be my first ‘real’ skiing experience on real hills in real snow.
SO, we went skiing. Now, I had forgotten at the time that my sister was part of a ski club in high school. So basically, every week during the winter, she would learn how to become some expert skier.
I? Was not part of that club. Before my Michigan skiing experience, I had been skiing a grand total of 5x. On those amazing Ohio slopes with fake snow.
We arrive at the resort, and we get warmed up for about 2 hours by going down some pretty easy slopes, having a great time. I had to remind myself how to ski. My sister? Did not.
However, after about 2 hours of this, we got bored. We wanted to try something more exciting.
My awesome sister suggested we go down the black diamond. For all of you people who have never been skiing? Black diamonds are generally the hardest to ski. They force you to zig zag across a mountain while avoiding trees on an extremely steep slope and just for fun? They throw in a few moguls (large purposefully-placed-there bumps on the slope).
I am a moron.
I agree to go down the black diamond with my sister. Why? Because I am competitive. And if she is doing it? So am I.
So we get on the ski lift. On the way up, I am thinking: “WOW! This is a lot higher off the ground than I thought!” Do I say anything? Nope. I just keep on riding the lift.
We get to the top, and I then lose my balls. I start to freak out and tell Sarah that I cannot go down this mountain. I am going to die.
But the funny thing about skiing is that once you’re up there? There’s no way down. Why? Because that amazing ski lift doesn’t have a place at the top of the mountain to get back on. Only to get off.
C. R. A. P.
So now, I have to give myself a good kick in the rear. We start to near the edge, but because we are so high up, the wind is blowing furiously. We take a peek down and it is a straight drop off. No time to get used to being on the hill. You just drop straight down.
We both start to lose it (like are cracking up so hard because we both realize this is harder than anything either of us has ever done). But there’s no turning back now.
We scoot up close to the edge, and then WHAM! We both get shoved over, going extremely quickly!
Remember that strong wind I was telling you about? Yea….It sooo pushed us right off the edge and down that hill.
I am ahead of my sister, and at first, I’m doing great. I am focusing. I am zig zagging. I think to myself: “I can do this! Concentrate, Elizabeth.”
But then? As you can well imagine, the speed starts to pick up. I start going faster and faster, and no longer can I zig zag. I am now FLYING down the mountain so quickly that if I turn my skiis, I am afraid I am going to break my legs.
So what do I do? Start praying ferociously.
JESUS! YOU HAVE TO SAVE ME! AHHHHHHHH!!!! JESUS ! JESUS! JESUS! OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP! AHHHHHHHHHH! I JUST WENT FLYING OVER A MOGUL! I JUST WENT FLLLYYYINNNGGGGG!!!! JESUS! JESUS! JESUS! PLEASE SAVE ME! OH MY GOODNESS! HELPPPPPP!!!!! JESUS JESUS JESUS JESUS JESUS JESUS JESUS JESUS JESUS JESUS JESUS JESUS JESUS JESUS JESUS!!
I couldn’t even pray anymore. I just started calling his name! I wanted to close my eyes, but knew if I did? I was going to crash into a tree.
Oh Lord, help me.
Meanwhile, my sister sees me flying down the mountain behind me….she is cracking up, all the while trying to focus on skiing so that she doesn’t die too.
Finally, we both get to the bottom of the hill. I did not die, but I did come crashing to the ground as soon as I was down there.
I look at my sister with a horrified face, and she just continues to crack up.
Thanks for the support, Sarah.
But guess what people? This skiing story from hell isn’t over yet.
However, you didn’t think you were going to get the rest of the story out of me THAT easy, did you?
Tune in tomorrow for part II of this crazy story. I promise, it is worth it.