Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Eau De Garlic

Dear Readers of Mine,

Sit back. Relax! It’s story time.

Ok, so once upon a time, I got a U.T.I.

Don’t know what that is? It’s ok. It’s a Urinary Tract Infection.

You see, I have been married for 3 years. Prior to this time? I had NEVER had a UTI.

But when I got married and began having…ahem…intimate times, I started to get them.

My body said: “Hey, how about you DON’T keep introducing new bacteria to me, k?”

Too bad I didn’t agree with that request because ‘intimate times’ are just too important. And fun. Ahem.

ANYWAY. Moving right along.

So just this past week, I got a freakin UTI. And I could tell a whole story about how awful it was and how it almost killed me and how I collapsed on the ground sobbing my heart out while simultaneously screaming about the intense pain while Brandon looked on trying to figure out what to do.

But that would be a lame and sad story.

So I’ll tell you the humorous aspect of the UTI instead.

I did not want to go to the doctor.

Doctor’s appointments are expensive, and remember I am getting my masters so I’m broke??? Right.

So, I decided that I knew it was a UTI, because I’ve had them for the past few years and recognize the symptoms (you know, the intense burning when you pee, the urge to go every 4 seconds, blah blah blah).

So what did I do? I decide to try to kill the bacteria with natural means.

What normally kills bacteria? Garlic.

I decide I will just take 40000 garlic pills in the morning and then again at night to try to kill the bacteria.

And I do this for 5 days.

If you weren’t living under a rock recently, you are aware the garlic has QUITE the stench to it.

Magically, that stench started to pour out of my pores.

(Yes, you are correct in assuming that I definitely made new wonderful friends and acquaintances during this time. Who doesn’t want a friend who wears eau de garlic??)


So I figure that even though I reek like an elephant just pooped on itself, its ok because I am killing my UTI, right?


Not only am I not killing my UTI, but I stink. Bad.

Enter Brandon into the story.

One night, I am sleeping in bliss and the man said that he woke up because all of a sudden the nastiest smell on planet earth wafted over to his nose.

Do you know what that smell was? My garlic breath.

Yes, Yes. I know. I am the sexiest person EVER.

How can a smell be so strong as to wake someone up?

I don’t know. But I do know that I did take 10 garlic before I went to bed that evening.

The next night?

He wakes up again.

But this time it wasn’t my breath. It was my armpit.

Remember how I was trying a new natural deodorant?

Yes. Well apparently I flopped my armpit up with such velocity that the garlic wind woke Brandon up from his dead sleep.

I seriously have no idea why this man is still married to me.

I feel very badly for him.

The worst part is that at the end of this story? I still had to give in and go to a doctor and get an antibiotic.

All those garlics did not kill my UTI.