Dear Readers of Mine,
Sit back. Relax! It’s story time.
Ok, so once upon a time, I got a U.T.I.
Don’t know what that is? It’s ok. It’s a Urinary Tract Infection.
You see, I have been married for 3 years. Prior to this time? I had NEVER had a UTI.
But when I got married and began having…ahem…intimate times, I started to get them.
My body said: “Hey, how about you DON’T keep introducing new bacteria to me, k?”
Too bad I didn’t agree with that request because ‘intimate times’ are just too important. And fun. Ahem.
ANYWAY. Moving right along.
So just this past week, I got a freakin UTI. And I could tell a whole story about how awful it was and how it almost killed me and how I collapsed on the ground sobbing my heart out while simultaneously screaming about the intense pain while Brandon looked on trying to figure out what to do.
But that would be a lame and sad story.
So I’ll tell you the humorous aspect of the UTI instead.
I did not want to go to the doctor.
Doctor’s appointments are expensive, and remember I am getting my masters so I’m broke??? Right.
So, I decided that I knew it was a UTI, because I’ve had them for the past few years and recognize the symptoms (you know, the intense burning when you pee, the urge to go every 4 seconds, blah blah blah).
So what did I do? I decide to try to kill the bacteria with natural means.
What normally kills bacteria? Garlic.
I decide I will just take 40000 garlic pills in the morning and then again at night to try to kill the bacteria.
And I do this for 5 days.
If you weren’t living under a rock recently, you are aware the garlic has QUITE the stench to it.
Magically, that stench started to pour out of my pores.
(Yes, you are correct in assuming that I definitely made new wonderful friends and acquaintances during this time. Who doesn’t want a friend who wears eau de garlic??)
So I figure that even though I reek like an elephant just pooped on itself, its ok because I am killing my UTI, right?
Not only am I not killing my UTI, but I stink. Bad.
Enter Brandon into the story.
One night, I am sleeping in bliss and the man said that he woke up because all of a sudden the nastiest smell on planet earth wafted over to his nose.
Do you know what that smell was? My garlic breath.
Yes, Yes. I know. I am the sexiest person EVER.
How can a smell be so strong as to wake someone up?
I don’t know. But I do know that I did take 10 garlic before I went to bed that evening.
The next night?
He wakes up again.
But this time it wasn’t my breath. It was my armpit.
Remember how I was trying a new natural deodorant?
Yes. Well apparently I flopped my armpit up with such velocity that the garlic wind woke Brandon up from his dead sleep.
I seriously have no idea why this man is still married to me.
I feel very badly for him.
The worst part is that at the end of this story? I still had to give in and go to a doctor and get an antibiotic.
All those garlics did not kill my UTI.